Dealing and Adjusting

Well it has been a week since all of this started. I'm starting to adjust to what has happened somewhat. It is all starting to become more real. I don't know if it is because this is the first time since all of this started that I have been alone or what. I have to still wear maternity clothes because my clothes are to tight, but maternity clothes are too big. I'm trying to find shirts to wear that aren't maternity looking. I have been able to do that the past few days but it is going to become increasingly harder as the week moves on. My pants are falling down but the shirts are fitted. You can't tell that I'm wearing maternity clothes, the only thing is that I have a little pooch. That is the hard part. I feel like people look at me and wonder, is she pregnant? That is what I have the hardest time dealing with. When you are pregnant you are proud to show off your little pooch, and after you have had the baby you are proud to show off your new bundle of joy, and the pooch somewhat. But after you have a miscarriage your not sure what to feel. You look pregnant for awhile but your not. Some may mistake it for you being pudgy but are to polite to say anything. It is a difficult situation to be in. I would like to feel happy, but I don't. I'm sad and confused. I would like to try again but we have to wait at least 6 months. We are going to take the wait and see approach. We are going to discuss it with the doctor before we try again and make sure we take all the precautions that we need too. I think one of the reasons I'm not 100% depressed is because God has given me 2 beautiful, healthy, and happy children. I'm sure if this would have been our 1st or 2nd that I would have a different reaction. I just want to have Eric home and be able to hug him and cry with him. I will probably have different emotions once Eric comes home. My friend Sarah has offered to watch Jacob on Friday so that Eric and I can go eat lunch and have some adult time. We need to be able to talk without the interruption of the boys. I know that we can talk after the boys are in bed but I want to be able to talk sooner than 8 at night. Well I need to get back to house work and cooking. Write more later.

Dear Lord - Please be with Eric while he is away. Please be with me and the boys also. Thank you for our 2 wonderful kids. Thank you for giving me the strength and courage to handle and cope with the loss of this baby. Thank you for the comfort and love from my friends and family, please watch over and take care of them. Thank you for all that you do. Amen.